Angry Birds: The Transparent Grab For Money

Okay. Y’all know that I am a hopeless Angry Birds addict. I have both the regular and seasonal versions. I even bought the in-game Mighty Eagle cheat just so I could get past a couple of pesky levels that were stymieing my progress. I love anything and everything Angry Birds! And I freely admit it!

So that’s how everyone, friends and family alike, have been sending me links to this. Angry Birds! As an IRL desktop game from Mattel!

Well. Am I the only one who thinks that this is an entirely DUMBSHIT IDEA? “Here we goooo– oh shit Jim, sorry about the guinea pig. It’s alright, you’ve got a dozen more haven’t you? Let’s try that again. Oops, hope that Ming vase wasn’t valuable!” Will it come with the instructions keep away from small animals, babies with soft bones in the head, and other valuable breakable items?

Sure, a lot of desktop games rely on the thrill of destruction to keep things exciting–Jenga, Topple etc. etc. But I don’t think any of them actually physically, exclusively involve flinging shit at things to keep gameplay going. And I can guarantee you that this game will quickly devolve into “let’s skip the catapult and just fling these solid lumps of bird at each other” in the hands of anyone below twelve years old (and in fact, in large numbers of people over twelve years old as well, I suspect).

I mean, part of what makes Angry Birds such an addictive and successful game is that it does stuff you can’t mimic in real life. It’s the challenge of having birds with different properties like being able to split into three tiny clones of itself or literally BLOWING SHIT UP. It’s being clever enough to use these special properties to completely wipe those bloody pigs off the map, vanished poof no more dead meat. It’s about exploring fascinating new levels with complicated structures and exciting new materials that do funky shit. It’s not about randomly throwing inert lumps at things and cheering when they topple over. Okay well it IS, but it is also so much more than that. And that’s something this meatspace game can never hope to replicate.

So, good on Mattel for cashing in a quick buck on the Angry Birds phenomenon. But I still maintain that this is an ENTIRELY DUMBSHIT IDEA. (And this comes from someone who wanted to make her own desktop version, just for shits and giggles and throwing inert lumps at things and cheering when they topple over. But at least I knew it was A DUMBSHIT IDEA when I was considering it!)


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